NAZARETH – Rabbi Jesus Christ of Nazarene released a statement through his office condemning comments from several mixed martial arts fighters who insinuate that their victories are a result of divine intervention.
Boker Tov. There are certain gentiles across the great sea that have the audacity to proclaim it is my divine will and oversight that allows them success in bashing each others skulls to a pulp under the guise of sport. Oy vey, I barely have enough time coordinating the red giant expansion of our Sun, the climax of my impending Armageddon production already overdue and over-budget, to meddle in the pissant affairs of a few egotistical higher-apes. Any mortal claiming ”God has a plan” in predicting their fight outcome, let alone publicly stating they owe thanks for their victory due to my guidance, is not only a mortal sin but borders on megalomania. Any person encountering such individuals has permission from my divine authority to cast stones at such immeasurably pompous goyim. I have my own press secratary, I don’t need anybody else speaking on my behalf.
Shalom,
Yahweh
Jesus Christ, in addition to serving as Rabbi to all of Christendom, also fulfills his role as Lord and Creator of all existence and as a Holy Ghost – splitting time between each of the three duties for the past 2000 years. Representation for evangelist MMA fighters Randy Couture, Matt Hughes, and Rich Franklin could not be reached for comment.
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