Former UFC welterweight champion Georges St Pierre is rumored to have lost his belt to Matt Serra at UFC 69 due to confusion as to whether he was fighting in a sanctioned title fight or deceived into participating in an illegal underground dwarf tossing contest. Always the consummate French-Canadian gentleman, St Pierre was overheard by fans in the first few rows making comments such as “Look at this little guy, isn’t he cute?” and “how could I dare punch this small defenseless creature? What cruel bastards!” It is not known how soon after regaining consciousness from John McCarthy’s stoppage did St Pierre realize he was fighting a valid welterweight opponent.
St Pierre could not be reached for further comment.
It has become glaringly apparent that professional cumbucket Jenna Jameson has started to wither away into a walking skeleton as of late. Rumors circulate that her rapid weight loss is a result of her going through an extremely stressful divorce – however MixedMartrollArts has an exclusive breakthrough report on the true source of her shrinking body-frame; Tito Ortiz’s expanding skull and the oxygen it depletes in the surrounding vicinity.
Observe the series of photographs in chronological order documenting this shocking revelation.
Here we see a healthy Jenna and Tito in the beginning of their courtship circa early 2006.
A few months later we begin to see Jenna’s face look more gaunt as Tito’s oxygen-depriving cranium grows larger.
A year later we see the ravages of oxygen depletion on poor Jenna as her suitor’s skull has doubled its circumference.
Here is a recent photo of Jenna Jameson, with half of her body mass rotted away.
Finally here is a sneak peak on the set of Jenna’s latest pornographic film scheduled for release this summer, Babes of Birkenau
The NFL has apparently revised their poor player performance policy by punishing washed up players that overstayed their welcome and subjecting them to fight in substandard mixed martial arts events. Johnnie Morton, a faggot and former lousy wide receiver who played for numerous NFL teams, will be fighting a yet-to-be-named opponent at K-1’s American debut event in Los Angeles (pending the show does not get cancelled due to noise pollution from the volume of crickets and tumbleweeds the venue will attract). While instances of this policy have transpired in the past, this will be the first time an NFL player will be fighting a seasoned MMA veteran.
Photo depicting the anticipated attendence at K-1 DYNAMITE!! USA at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum.
We here at MixedMartrollArts applaud the NFL’s efforts and suggest the NFL expand this policy to include other team staff so we may see future fights including Redskins owner Daniel Snyder vs Eric “Butterbean” Esch and Lions GM Matt Millen vs Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic.
This week a report on mmaweekly revealed that nearly two dozen MMA fighters have tested positive for banned substances while participating in events sanctioned by the California State Athletic Commission since March of 2006. Among the rather unexciting list of fighters is somebody who grabs immediate attention: Bas Rutten.
Bas Rutten was previously scheduled to fight the chemically mutated Kimo Leopardo at a WFA event on July 22, 2006 – however Kimo’s love for Winstrol ended up getting the best of him and resulted in a suspension two days before the fight. Bas Rutten felt compelled to publicly express his disdain for Leopardo’s suspension:
Every guy who uses steroids to fight is a fucking pussy.
Ruben “Warpath” Villareal stepped up as a last minute substitution to fight Bas and save the show from ruin, and although fought admirably (landing several hard strikes to the head of a seemingly unfazed and unhurt Bas Rutten), he was defeated by Rutten in the first round via leg strikes resulting in a KO.
What is now revealed is that right after his victory Bas Rutten tested positive for two prescription painkillers hydrocodone and morphine, the latter being a drug administered to dying GI’s on the battlefield to ease their pain and is the opiate from which heroin is derived. Both substances are banned by the CSAC.
So now a question for Bas Rutten arrises: Do you think Ruben Villareal could have used some of that morphine to counteract with the agonizing pain of your leg strikes? The very pain that was the sole reason for Villareal’s inability to continue the fight?
Judge for yourself:
Addendum: According to CSAC Executive Officer Armando Garcia, “no steroid policy has ever been in place in California.” Which leads to questioning why, out of an exhaustive list of banned substances to test for, are steroids not included in these tests? Which further begs the question of how exactly did Kimo Leopardo test positive for steroids in the first place?
In wake of Zuffa’s shocking acquisition of DSE’s Pride fighting organization, there is speculation on what will become of everybody’s most hated transsexual, former Pride vice president Jerry Millen. Here on MMTA is an uncomplete list of future job options for Jerry Millen should he be retained by Zuffa in any capacity. Suggestions are highly welcome!
1. Personal beard and mustach trimmer for Andrei Arlovski
2. Americanized version of the Pride diaper man for opening ceremonies
3. Interview coach for Randy Couture when he returns to broadcasting after his forthcoming decapitation.
Being better safe than sorry, Melvin Guillard has already secured an excuse should he fall to Joe Stevenson in the upcoming snorefest UFC Fight Night 9. Melvin accused Stevenson on a Sherdog radio program of using human growth hormone, which makes one wonder if Melvin will have to resort to pistol whipping to equalize this unfair advantage. Developing…
NAZARETH – Rabbi Jesus Christ of Nazarene released a statement through his office condemning comments from several mixed martial arts fighters who insinuate that their victories are a result of divine intervention.
Boker Tov. There are certain gentiles across the great sea that have the audacity to proclaim it is my divine will and oversight that allows them success in bashing each others skulls to a pulp under the guise of sport. Oy vey, I barely have enough time coordinating the red giant expansion of our Sun, the climax of my impending Armageddon production already overdue and over-budget, to meddle in the pissant affairs of a few egotistical higher-apes. Any mortal claiming ”God has a plan” in predicting their fight outcome, let alone publicly stating they owe thanks for their victory due to my guidance, is not only a mortal sin but borders on megalomania. Any person encountering such individuals has permission from my divine authority to cast stones at such immeasurably pompous goyim. I have my own press secratary, I don’t need anybody else speaking on my behalf.
Shalom,
Yahweh
Jesus Christ, in addition to serving as Rabbi to all of Christendom, also fulfills his role as Lord and Creator of all existence and as a Holy Ghost – splitting time between each of the three duties for the past 2000 years. Representation for evangelist MMA fighters Randy Couture, Matt Hughes, and Rich Franklin could not be reached for comment.
Matt Hughes believes that over half of America are Al Qaeda sympathizers who don’t support our troops overseas. On his blog, Hughes rehashes the incredibly successful Republican fear-mongering rhetoric which dictates that patriotism is only genuine when you unquestionable support every military decision of a sitting president.
Not much really going on this week, so I’ve been going through some of the emails that we receive to the website. I came across one message that asked me to use this platform that God has put me on to take a stand against the War in Iraq.
Well, I can’t do that, because I fully support the War in Iraq and President Bush. He’s the guy I voted for and I think he’s done a good job. I believe our troops are doing a great job of defending our freedoms and making our country safe from terrorists. They are the real heroes. I’m just a guy who fights 3 times a year, these guys are fighting every single day so that I can have the opportunity to do what I love and raise my family in a free country. So I will always be thankful for that. Honestly, I just don’t see how anyone can claim to support our troops and at the same time oppose the war that they are fighting. To me those go hand in hand.
Way to show those stupid hippies, country boy.
Archived photograph of a loyalist meeting for the Confederate Army during the Civil War. Among those in attendence are Cletus and Jeremiah Hughes, the great-great-great-grandfather and uncle of Matt Hughes.
Unconfirmed sources indicate a certain B-list MMA celebrity transexual bearing an uncanny resemblence to a middle-aged Brandon Teena (of Boys Don’t Cry fame) is making the rounds at the Vegas club circuit and offering fight contracts for non-existent organizations. Seen here captured on camera is an unsuspecting James Lee being hustled by said unemployed person. The staff here at MMTA wish to issue a warning to all fighters in the Vegas area to exercise caution when being approached at Vegas lounge events.
You guys said the same shit about me a few years ago.
Nobody asked you who should quit or retire.
Get a life ass hole.
And stop fucking your mother.
NYBA
Phil B
Bravo, sir. How exciting to witness a coveted “professional fighter” publicly remind sherdog staff of their journalistic incompetence in such an eloquent manner that only a distinguished brooklynite can deliver (and not get banned for it).
Of course Phil Baroni is insinuating that sherdog had wrongfully written off his career after losing four fights in a row in the UFC and subsequently dumped afterwards. Unfortunately Baroni’s recent awe-inspiring string of victories in Pride against undersized, Japanese tomato cans is not exactly a career resurrection on par with Dan Henderson or Randy Couture. Furthermore Baroni risks an eternity of shame and illegitimacy as a fighter if he should lose his upcoming fight with the king of has-beens, Frank Shamrock.
All is not lost for Baroni should he falter against Shamrock, as he has another established career to fall back on:
“Baroni”, for those not aware, is an engrish word for “baloney”- a synonym for the term “bullshit.”
